Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas!


God Bless Us, Everyone!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Smart Ass Answers for 2007

SMART A$$ ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?"
the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?"
John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

SMART A$$ ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART A$$ ANSWER
#4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART A$$ ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.

SMART A$$ ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


SMART A$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-a$$ guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter
se xual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence i s restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Attributed to Jay Leno...maybe, but if not, still interesting

"The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll
data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source,
right?

The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the
direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy
with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry
just ain't happy and want a change.

So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so
unhappy about?''

Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week?

Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and
heating in the winter?

Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?

Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see
more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?

Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic
Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through
each state?

Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the
way that can provide temporary shelter?

I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the
world is just not good enough.

Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and
provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the
hospital.

Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may
be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of
trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to
extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.

Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or
prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest
will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.

This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping
and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers
own cell phones and computers.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy
that are the envy of everyone in the world?

Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.

Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has
ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for
its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the
world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we
hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no
plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval
rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days
after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of
recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the
book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from
terrorist attacks?

The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending
you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show?
Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a
look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?

Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused
you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to
kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.

Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have
volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom.
There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.

They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general''
discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a
''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of
Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it
leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash
with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the
corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations.
They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by
"justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a
murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't kill his
wife, but if he did he would have done it this way"...Insane!

Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the
TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird
cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is
exponentially more good than bad.

We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several
times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.

"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and
with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a
good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Jay Leno
2007