Stray Cats

1. Stray cats will not be fed.


2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.


3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
with a little milk.


4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.


5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent
residence.


6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled
unnecessarily.


7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will
absolutely not be given a name.


8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the
house at any time.


9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain
times.


10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days
ending in "y."


11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or
sharpen their claws on the furniture.


12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on
the really good furniture.

Golf on Christmas Morning

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one
Remarked how Nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and
Without An argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a
Round. His Buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority.
Figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.'

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on
The golf Course. The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my
Wife such a Diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'
The second guy says, 'I spent a ton, too. My wife s at home planning
The cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'
The third guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
Reading the Manual.'

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
Like they Have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I Slapped my wife On the butt and said, 'Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning For either Sex or golf.' . . . And she said . 'Take a sweater.'"

Rose and Barb play ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb.. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Okaayyyy...