Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and
the wind was blowing 30 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled
up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that crap?"
I still don't know if she was joking...
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Visit Dog Age
DogAge® Tip of the Week
A drastic change in behavior may indicate pain or injury in your pet.
Growling, biting, wincing, or avoidance of physical contact may be a sign of an acute injury. Reserved or withdrawn behaviors may indicate chronic pain. If your dog suddenly exhibits a need for constant attention or seclusion, or if he or she is excessively irritable, submissive, listless, or restless, contact your vet for a proper diagnosis and treatment.
| Change Can Be Bad | February 28, 2008 |
A drastic change in behavior may indicate pain or injury in your pet.
Growling, biting, wincing, or avoidance of physical contact may be a sign of an acute injury. Reserved or withdrawn behaviors may indicate chronic pain. If your dog suddenly exhibits a need for constant attention or seclusion, or if he or she is excessively irritable, submissive, listless, or restless, contact your vet for a proper diagnosis and treatment.
Monday, February 25, 2008
For the slaves of Dogs and Cats...you know who you are!
PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not stake a claim for it, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10.Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11.If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not stake a claim for it, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10.Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11.If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Stray Cats
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent
residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled
unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will
absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the
house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain
times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days
ending in "y."
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or
sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on
the really good furniture.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent
residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled
unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will
absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the
house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain
times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days
ending in "y."
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or
sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on
the really good furniture.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Golf on Christmas Morning
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one
Remarked how Nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and
Without An argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a
Round. His Buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority.
Figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.'
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on
The golf Course. The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my
Wife such a Diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'
The second guy says, 'I spent a ton, too. My wife s at home planning
The cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'
The third guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
Reading the Manual.'
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
Like they Have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I Slapped my wife On the butt and said, 'Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning For either Sex or golf.' . . . And she said . 'Take a sweater.'"
Remarked how Nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and
Without An argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a
Round. His Buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority.
Figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.'
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on
The golf Course. The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my
Wife such a Diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'
The second guy says, 'I spent a ton, too. My wife s at home planning
The cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'
The third guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
Reading the Manual.'
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
Like they Have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I Slapped my wife On the butt and said, 'Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning For either Sex or golf.' . . . And she said . 'Take a sweater.'"
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Rose and Barb play ball!
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb.. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb.. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Monday, December 24, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Smart Ass Answers for 2007
SMART A$$ ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?"
the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?"
John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART A$$ ANSWER
#4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART A$$ ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART A$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-a$$ guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter
se xual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence i s restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand.
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?"
the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?"
John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART A$$ ANSWER
#4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART A$$ ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART A$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-a$$ guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter
se xual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence i s restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Attributed to Jay Leno...maybe, but if not, still interesting
"The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll
data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source,
right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the
direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy
with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry
just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so
unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week?
Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and
heating in the winter?
Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see
more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic
Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through
each state?
Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the
way that can provide temporary shelter?
I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the
world is just not good enough.
Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and
provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the
hospital.
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may
be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of
trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to
extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.
Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or
prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest
will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping
and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers
own cell phones and computers.
How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy
that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has
ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for
its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the
world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we
hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no
plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval
rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days
after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of
recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the
book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from
terrorist attacks?
The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending
you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show?
Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a
look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?
Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused
you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to
kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have
volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom.
There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.
They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general''
discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a
''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.
So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of
Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it
leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash
with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the
corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations.
They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by
"justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a
murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't kill his
wife, but if he did he would have done it this way"...Insane!
Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the
TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird
cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is
exponentially more good than bad.
We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several
times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and
with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a
good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Jay Leno
2007
data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source,
right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the
direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy
with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry
just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so
unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week?
Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and
heating in the winter?
Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see
more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic
Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through
each state?
Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the
way that can provide temporary shelter?
I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the
world is just not good enough.
Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and
provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the
hospital.
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may
be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of
trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to
extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.
Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or
prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest
will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping
and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers
own cell phones and computers.
How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy
that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has
ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for
its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the
world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we
hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no
plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval
rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days
after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of
recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the
book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from
terrorist attacks?
The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending
you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show?
Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a
look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?
Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused
you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to
kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have
volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom.
There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.
They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general''
discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a
''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.
So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of
Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it
leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash
with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the
corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations.
They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by
"justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a
murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't kill his
wife, but if he did he would have done it this way"...Insane!
Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the
TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird
cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is
exponentially more good than bad.
We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several
times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and
with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a
good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Jay Leno
2007
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