These Are Pretty Awful...but, I had to post them!

Creative Puns

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be
an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other,
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17 A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Butt Dust....

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.

After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'



STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night.

'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto t he bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read : 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Okaayyyy...

Yep, in my Mailbox, for sure!

Dear All

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past
year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about cockroach
eggs in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason.

I no longer have a lot of savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program ......

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7
million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer
who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gas without taking a man along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my ass.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I
found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a
sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at
5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend
of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual
activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

My Dogs Live Here

MY DOGS LIVE HERE

My dogs live here, they're here to stay.
If you don't like pets, be on your way.
They share my home, my food, my space
This is their home, this is their place.

You will find dog hair on the floor,
they will alert you're at the door.
They may request a little pat,
a simple "no" will settle that.

It gripes me when I hear you say
"just how is it you live this way?
they smell, they shed, they're in the way.."
WHO ASKED YOU? is all I can say...

They love me more than anyone,
my voice is like the rising sun,
they merely have to hear me say
"C'mon girls, time to go and play"!

Then tails wag and faces grin,
they bounce and hop and make a din.
They never say "no time for you",
they're always there, to GO and DO.

And if I'm sad? They're by my side
and if I'm mad? they circle wide
and if I laugh, they laugh with me
they understand, they always see.

So once again, I say to you
come visit me, but know this too..

My dogs live here, they're here to stay.
you don't like pets, be on your way.
they share my home, my food, my space
this is their home, this is their place..
------------ Author Unknown

Why Men Shouldn't Change Diapers

Old Age

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, " Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of ' careful consideration' , she answered "Yes. Yes, I will. "

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to Their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just Could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to The telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I Meant it with all my heart. " Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Young King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his
freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur
would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he
still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it
seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he
accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began! to pol l everyone: the
princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He
spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would
have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to
agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had
never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a
terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with
Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life
and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her
own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour a! pproach ed and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited
him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the
bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed
self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman
to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his
castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch
during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy
wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you
scroll down below. OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the
time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of
her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down




















The moral is.....


If you don't let a woman have her own way....


Things are going to get ugly.

Me, in about a year!

This Kind of Stuff Must Stop in our Country

We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become! This extension work was apparently done at night !! Very sneaky stuff..

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection ........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck ! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking into my house and messing around with my computer. Probably CIA....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?

Never heard this, even if it is an oldie

AN OLDIE STILL CRACKS ME UP

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,

"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the couple walked in.

"I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in,"the Jamaican said to them. "Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,being the "sex god" that he was.

"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" the husband asked the shopkeeper.

Just try dem on, Mon," the Jamaican replied.

After some badgering from his wife, the man finally gave in, and tried the sandals on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes ... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, quickly bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

At which point the Jamaican began screaming,

"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET, MON!

YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

Bet you didn't know this:

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

A Test for the Old Kids

   This is a test for us, old kids! The answers are printed below, but
don't you cheat.


   01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the
sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man?
Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this
behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

   02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all
watched them on The ___________ ____ Show.

   03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."

   04 "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been
changed___________________."

   05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."

   06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced"
under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance
called the  "_____________."

   07.  "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best.......
_______________."

   08.  Satchmo was America 's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents
shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was
_________________.

   09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?  _______________.

   10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and
Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and
"_______ _ ________".

   11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
their______________.

   12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in
the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by?
____________ &  _______________.

   13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the
music died."This was a tribute to  ___________________.

   14. We can remember the first s atellite placed into orbit. The
Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

   15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large
plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the
________________.



   ANSWERS:

   01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
   02. The Ed Sullivan Show
   03. On Route 66
   04. To protect the innocent.
   05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
   06. The limbo
   07. Chocolate
   08. Louis Armstrong
   09. The Timex watch
   10. Freddy, The Freeloader,and "Good Night,and may God Bless."
   11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
   12. Beetle or Bug
   13. Buddy Holly
   14. Sputnik
   15. Hoola-hoop

Thank goodness for Dr. Phil ...(not!)

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and

hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished

off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos,
and a box of chocolates.

  You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this
on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace

Airplane Discussions are...er, great!

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the Airplane when the stranger turned to the little girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"Ok," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I really have no idea."

To this, the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit??"

This must mean I'm great!

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and
said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."

"Now, we have a nice house , nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you
are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV..

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems.

Can't wait to retire, myself!

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.

"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale."

Buttocks skin donation

Buttocks Surgery

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife
offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on
her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from
her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no
one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the
doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's
new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One
day, he was alone with his wifeand he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you
did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied,"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your
mother kiss you on the cheek!!

Wish I'd heard about this in time...

This cat saw the whole thing!

SCAM WARNING!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... But this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.