Who Wants to be a MIllionaire???

My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
While we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have sex?'


'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.


Then I said,
'I'd like to phone a friend.'



That's the last thing I remember.

How the Fight Started

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?


Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"


. . . and that's when the fight started .

Old Age

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, " Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of ' careful consideration' , she answered "Yes. Yes, I will. "

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to Their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just Could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to The telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I Meant it with all my heart. " Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Young King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his
freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur
would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he
still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it
seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he
accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began! to pol l everyone: the
princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He
spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would
have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to
agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had
never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a
terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with
Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life
and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her
own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour a! pproach ed and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited
him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the
bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed
self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman
to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his
castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch
during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy
wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you
scroll down below. OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the
time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of
her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down




















The moral is.....


If you don't let a woman have her own way....


Things are going to get ugly.

The Farmer's Lovely Widow

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
night.


"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."


"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the
two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared,
and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"


"Yes, I do." said Bob


"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"


"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,
"I have to admit that I did."


"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your
name?"


Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"






"She just died and left me
everything."

You just gotta ask yourself

Will I live to be 80?'

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
boating,
Fishing or relaxing on the beach?'
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of
sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'

Then he looked at me and asked,

'Then why do you give a shit?'

Me, in about a year!

This Kind of Stuff Must Stop in our Country

We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become! This extension work was apparently done at night !! Very sneaky stuff..

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection ........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck ! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking into my house and messing around with my computer. Probably CIA....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?

Never heard this, even if it is an oldie

AN OLDIE STILL CRACKS ME UP

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,

"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the couple walked in.

"I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in,"the Jamaican said to them. "Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,being the "sex god" that he was.

"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" the husband asked the shopkeeper.

Just try dem on, Mon," the Jamaican replied.

After some badgering from his wife, the man finally gave in, and tried the sandals on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes ... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, quickly bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

At which point the Jamaican began screaming,

"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET, MON!

YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

Bet you didn't know this:

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

A Test for the Old Kids

   This is a test for us, old kids! The answers are printed below, but
don't you cheat.


   01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the
sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man?
Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this
behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

   02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all
watched them on The ___________ ____ Show.

   03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."

   04 "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been
changed___________________."

   05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."

   06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced"
under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance
called the  "_____________."

   07.  "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best.......
_______________."

   08.  Satchmo was America 's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents
shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was
_________________.

   09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?  _______________.

   10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and
Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and
"_______ _ ________".

   11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
their______________.

   12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in
the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by?
____________ &  _______________.

   13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the
music died."This was a tribute to  ___________________.

   14. We can remember the first s atellite placed into orbit. The
Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

   15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large
plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the
________________.



   ANSWERS:

   01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
   02. The Ed Sullivan Show
   03. On Route 66
   04. To protect the innocent.
   05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
   06. The limbo
   07. Chocolate
   08. Louis Armstrong
   09. The Timex watch
   10. Freddy, The Freeloader,and "Good Night,and may God Bless."
   11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
   12. Beetle or Bug
   13. Buddy Holly
   14. Sputnik
   15. Hoola-hoop

This must mean I'm great!

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and
said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."

"Now, we have a nice house , nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you
are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV..

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems.

Can't wait to retire, myself!

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.

"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale."

Buttocks skin donation

Buttocks Surgery

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife
offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on
her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from
her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no
one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the
doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's
new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One
day, he was alone with his wifeand he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you
did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied,"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your
mother kiss you on the cheek!!

Father

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the

Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my

mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs

limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you

could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you

have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but

which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next."

The Little Girl's First Paycheck

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we
CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or
less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her
sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little
jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother
who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they
take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start
a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building
the house next door to us.

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the damn sheet rock..."

Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.

Wish I'd heard about this in time...

This cat saw the whole thing!

SCAM WARNING!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... But this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.