God Bless Us, Everyone!
Monday, December 24, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Smart Ass Answers for 2007
SMART A$$ ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?"
the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?"
John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART A$$ ANSWER
#4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART A$$ ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART A$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-a$$ guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter
se xual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence i s restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand.
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?"
the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?"
John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART A$$ ANSWER
#4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART A$$ ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART A$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-a$$ guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter
se xual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence i s restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Attributed to Jay Leno...maybe, but if not, still interesting
"The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll
data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source,
right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the
direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy
with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry
just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so
unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week?
Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and
heating in the winter?
Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see
more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic
Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through
each state?
Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the
way that can provide temporary shelter?
I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the
world is just not good enough.
Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and
provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the
hospital.
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may
be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of
trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to
extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.
Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or
prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest
will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping
and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers
own cell phones and computers.
How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy
that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has
ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for
its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the
world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we
hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no
plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval
rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days
after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of
recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the
book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from
terrorist attacks?
The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending
you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show?
Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a
look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?
Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused
you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to
kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have
volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom.
There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.
They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general''
discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a
''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.
So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of
Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it
leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash
with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the
corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations.
They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by
"justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a
murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't kill his
wife, but if he did he would have done it this way"...Insane!
Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the
TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird
cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is
exponentially more good than bad.
We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several
times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and
with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a
good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Jay Leno
2007
data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source,
right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the
direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy
with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry
just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so
unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week?
Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and
heating in the winter?
Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see
more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic
Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through
each state?
Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the
way that can provide temporary shelter?
I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the
world is just not good enough.
Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and
provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the
hospital.
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may
be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of
trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to
extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.
Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or
prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest
will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping
and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers
own cell phones and computers.
How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy
that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has
ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for
its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the
world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we
hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no
plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval
rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days
after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of
recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the
book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from
terrorist attacks?
The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending
you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show?
Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a
look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?
Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused
you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to
kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have
volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom.
There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.
They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general''
discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a
''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.
So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of
Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it
leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash
with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the
corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations.
They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by
"justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a
murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't kill his
wife, but if he did he would have done it this way"...Insane!
Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the
TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird
cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is
exponentially more good than bad.
We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several
times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and
with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a
good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Jay Leno
2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
What Color Are You? I am...
| What color is your soul painted? Brown Your soul is painted the color brown, which embodies the characteristics of calmness, depth, nature, stability, tradition, poverty, roughness, down-to-earth, uncertainty, and neutrality. Brown is the color of the element Earth, and represents soil and, to a lesser degree, fertility of the Earth. |
 Quizzes and Personality Tests |
Thursday, November 8, 2007
How the Fight Started
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . and that's when the fight started .
Yep, in my Mailbox, for sure!
Dear All
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past
year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about cockroach
eggs in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason.
I no longer have a lot of savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program ......
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7
million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer
who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gas without taking a man along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my ass.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I
found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a
sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at
5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend
of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual
activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past
year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about cockroach
eggs in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason.
I no longer have a lot of savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program ......
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7
million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer
who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gas without taking a man along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my ass.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I
found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a
sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at
5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend
of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual
activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
My Dogs Live Here
MY DOGS LIVE HERE
My dogs live here, they're here to stay.
If you don't like pets, be on your way.
They share my home, my food, my space
This is their home, this is their place.
You will find dog hair on the floor,
they will alert you're at the door.
They may request a little pat,
a simple "no" will settle that.
It gripes me when I hear you say
"just how is it you live this way?
they smell, they shed, they're in the way.."
WHO ASKED YOU? is all I can say...
They love me more than anyone,
my voice is like the rising sun,
they merely have to hear me say
"C'mon girls, time to go and play"!
Then tails wag and faces grin,
they bounce and hop and make a din.
They never say "no time for you",
they're always there, to GO and DO.
And if I'm sad? They're by my side
and if I'm mad? they circle wide
and if I laugh, they laugh with me
they understand, they always see.
So once again, I say to you
come visit me, but know this too..
My dogs live here, they're here to stay.
you don't like pets, be on your way.
they share my home, my food, my space
this is their home, this is their place..
------------ Author Unknown
Saturday, November 3, 2007
The Hunter
The HUNTER & The Cook
A man kills a 'deer' and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
but will give them a clue and let them guess.
Mmmmmmmmmmm Good !!
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so begged their dad for the clue.
Well' the father said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes.'
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
'The little girl screams, 'Don't eat it....
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Adopt A Wild Critter from NWF
Make a different...adopt an imperiled animal today!
Dear Meggie,
Finding the perfect holiday gift just got easier!
Thanks to suggestions from folks like you, we've added many exciting items to National Wildlife Federation's NEW Adoption Center. Now, there are even more ways to find a memorable gift for everyone on your holiday list.
And, with each symbolic animal adoption, you'll know that you are doing your part to protect wildlife and wild places across America for our children and grandchildren.
Adopt a polar bear! Adopt a tortoise!Adopt a grizzly bear!
Adopt a canada lynx! Adopt a moose! Adopt a wolf!
Adopt Now!
Sincerely,
David Strauss
Vice President, Membership
P.S. Be sure to spread the word about NWF's NEW Adoption Center to your friends and family.
National Wildlife Federation Logo
Your Adoption is symbolic and your donation will be used where it is needed most to help protect America’s imperiled wildlife.
Your Donation must be made by December 17, 2007, for your Adoption Kit to arrive in time for the holidays.
**While supplies last. *Personalized Certificate is available online.
© 2007 National Wildlife Federation. All rights reserved. NWF Privacy Policy
Contact us: info@nwf.org | 1-800-822-9919 | National Wildlife Federation, 11100 Wildlife Center Drive, Reston VA, 20190.
Bring your yard to life! Create a wildlife-friendly yard officially certified through NWF's Wildlife HabitatTM program and help us reach our goal of 100,000 yards by year-end.
Unsubscribe from receiving email, or change your email preferences.
Dear Meggie,
Finding the perfect holiday gift just got easier!
Thanks to suggestions from folks like you, we've added many exciting items to National Wildlife Federation's NEW Adoption Center. Now, there are even more ways to find a memorable gift for everyone on your holiday list.
And, with each symbolic animal adoption, you'll know that you are doing your part to protect wildlife and wild places across America for our children and grandchildren.
Adopt a polar bear! Adopt a tortoise!Adopt a grizzly bear!
Adopt a canada lynx! Adopt a moose! Adopt a wolf!
Adopt Now!
Sincerely,
David Strauss
Vice President, Membership
P.S. Be sure to spread the word about NWF's NEW Adoption Center to your friends and family.
National Wildlife Federation Logo
Your Adoption is symbolic and your donation will be used where it is needed most to help protect America’s imperiled wildlife.
Your Donation must be made by December 17, 2007, for your Adoption Kit to arrive in time for the holidays.
**While supplies last. *Personalized Certificate is available online.
© 2007 National Wildlife Federation. All rights reserved. NWF Privacy Policy
Contact us: info@nwf.org | 1-800-822-9919 | National Wildlife Federation, 11100 Wildlife Center Drive, Reston VA, 20190.
Bring your yard to life! Create a wildlife-friendly yard officially certified through NWF's Wildlife HabitatTM program and help us reach our goal of 100,000 yards by year-end.
Unsubscribe from receiving email, or change your email preferences.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Well, here I am!!!
| Big Five Test Results |
| Extroversion (14%) very low which suggests you are extremely reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private. Accommodation (72%) high which suggests you are overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense too often of your own individual development (martyr complex). Orderliness (34%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, random, scattered, and fun seeking at the expense of structure, reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment. Emotional Stability (38%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Inquisitiveness (56%) moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical. |
personality tests by similarminds.com
Well, I guess I get the Zelda Fitzgerald Award for Emotional Stability
Only one of me!!!
How Many People Have Your Name?
| HowManyOfMe.com | ||
|
Funny Quiz
Funny Quiz
How Will I Die Quiz
You will die at the age of 80
You will die of a heart attack at a Tom Jones concert
Find out how you will die at Quizopolis.com
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Murphy's Less Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stu pid e n ough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stu pid e n ough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Cyber Sex
A little boy goes to his father and asks
You got Male!
"Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers:
"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your mom and I first got together in a chat
room on Yahoo.
room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met
at a cyber-cafe.
at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard drive.
agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later
a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later
a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
I knew I liked Popsicles
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year
Old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a
Popsicle, and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few mome nts passed .. "An ambulance just drove by".
A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have company", he
Called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike...."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving".
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called
Out, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
Old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a
Popsicle, and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few mome nts passed .. "An ambulance just drove by".
A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have company", he
Called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike...."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving".
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called
Out, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
We're All Gonna Die!
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.
The entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob , one of these days, they're gonna scream too late........
Dad's Such a Wiseass
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
that I would not choke on his response; knowing he
would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye
in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
that I would not choke on his response; knowing he
would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye
in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."
Monday, October 1, 2007
Young King Arthur
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his
freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur
would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he
still had no answer; he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it
seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he
accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began! to pol l everyone: the
princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He
spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would
have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to
agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had
never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a
terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with
Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life
and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her
own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour a! pproach ed and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited
him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the
bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed
self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman
to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his
castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch
during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy
wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you
scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the
time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of
her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his
freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur
would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he
still had no answer; he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it
seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he
accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began! to pol l everyone: the
princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He
spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would
have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to
agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had
never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a
terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with
Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life
and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her
own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour a! pproach ed and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited
him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the
bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed
self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman
to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his
castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch
during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy
wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you
scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the
time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of
her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Famous quotes on Sex
My girlfriend always laughs during sex --no matter what she's reading.
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen
Lord, grant me chastity and continence... but not yet.
St. Augustine
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Tom Clancy
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Steve Martin
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
Lynn Lavner
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
George Burns
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
George Burns
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Sharon Stone
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Dustin Hoffman
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.
Jerry Seinfeld
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Aldous Huxley
Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
George Carlin
Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
Mark Twain
One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.
Jane Austen
Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It's funny because I think it's better inside.
Alex Walsh
When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
Frederike Ryder
Friday, September 7, 2007
Jocks VS Nerds
Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX
($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the
100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. Past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
However... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.
Game over. Nerd wins
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX
($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the
100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. Past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
However... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.
Game over. Nerd wins
The Farmer's Lovely Widow
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the
two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared,
and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your
name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me
everything."
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the
two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared,
and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your
name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me
everything."
Monday, August 20, 2007
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Dogs Create Wisdom
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why." Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Remember, if a dog were your teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Being always grateful for each new day and for the blessing of you.
You just gotta ask yourself
Will I live to be 80?'
I recently chose a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
boating,
Fishing or relaxing on the beach?'
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of
sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'
Then he looked at me and asked,
'Then why do you give a shit?'
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
boating,
Fishing or relaxing on the beach?'
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of
sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'
Then he looked at me and asked,
'Then why do you give a shit?'
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Dr. Dave
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty for days.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But, every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're both single. Just let it go...".
And at times he would.
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering:
Dave...
Dave...
You're a Veterinarian. ...........
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But, every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're both single. Just let it go...".
And at times he would.
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering:
Dave...
Dave...
You're a Veterinarian. ...........
Signs
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On another Septic Tank Truck:
'We're #1 in the #2 business'
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'
**************************
On a C hurch's Billboard:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
'Hello. Can we pick your nose?'
**************************
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office :
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you' ve come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
At the Electric Company :
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.'
**************************
In a Restaurant window :
'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station ,
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On another Septic Tank Truck:
'We're #1 in the #2 business'
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'
**************************
On a C hurch's Billboard:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
'Hello. Can we pick your nose?'
**************************
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office :
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you' ve come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
At the Electric Company :
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.'
**************************
In a Restaurant window :
'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station ,
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak
Friday, July 6, 2007
Choices
What would you do?..you make the choice. Don't look for a punch
line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have
made the same choice?
At a fund raising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled
children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that
would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the
school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not
interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is one
with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other
children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay,
physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an
opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it
comes in the way that other people treat that child."
Then he told the following story:
Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay
knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me
play?"
Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone
like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son
were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of
belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of
his handicaps.
Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked
(not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for
guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth
inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to
bat in the ninth inning."
Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile,
put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye
and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being
accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a
few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning,
Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no
hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and
on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from
the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored
again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential
winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance
to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat Everyone knew
that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to
hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing
that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in
Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay
could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards
Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground
ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft
grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay
would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's
head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and
both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first
base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his
breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make
it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the
right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had
his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown
the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the
pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high
and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base
deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward
home.
All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help
him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run
to third! Shay, run to third!"
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the
spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran
to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the
grand slam and won the game for his team.
"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his
face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love
and humanity into this world".
Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having
never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and
coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero
of the day!
AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of
jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it
comes
to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude,
vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public
discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and
workplaces.
If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that
you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't
the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message.. Well, the
person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.
We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help
realize the "natural order of things." So many seemingly trivial
interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass
along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those
opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?
A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's
least fortunate amongst them.
You now have two choices:
1. Delete
2. Forward
May your day, be a Shay Day.
line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have
made the same choice?
At a fund raising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled
children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that
would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the
school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not
interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is one
with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other
children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay,
physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an
opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it
comes in the way that other people treat that child."
Then he told the following story:
Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay
knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me
play?"
Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone
like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son
were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of
belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of
his handicaps.
Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked
(not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for
guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth
inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to
bat in the ninth inning."
Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile,
put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye
and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being
accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a
few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning,
Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no
hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and
on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from
the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored
again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential
winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance
to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat Everyone knew
that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to
hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing
that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in
Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay
could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards
Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground
ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft
grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay
would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's
head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and
both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first
base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his
breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make
it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the
right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had
his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown
the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the
pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high
and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base
deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward
home.
All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help
him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run
to third! Shay, run to third!"
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the
spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran
to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the
grand slam and won the game for his team.
"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his
face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love
and humanity into this world".
Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having
never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and
coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero
of the day!
AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of
jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it
comes
to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude,
vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public
discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and
workplaces.
If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that
you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't
the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message.. Well, the
person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.
We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help
realize the "natural order of things." So many seemingly trivial
interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass
along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those
opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?
A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's
least fortunate amongst them.
You now have two choices:
1. Delete
2. Forward
May your day, be a Shay Day.
This Kind of Stuff Must Stop in our Country
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become! This extension work was apparently done at night !! Very sneaky stuff..
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection ........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck ! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking into my house and messing around with my computer. Probably CIA....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become! This extension work was apparently done at night !! Very sneaky stuff..
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection ........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck ! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking into my house and messing around with my computer. Probably CIA....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?
Monday, July 2, 2007
Where do Pets Come From?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." !
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom an d I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." (GOD SPELLED BACKWORD)
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Guts or Balls?
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having
guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.
guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Let's hear it for the Woman
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman , she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or just for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
Hmmm, I didn't know he cared
On behalf of President Bush, thank you for your correspondence.
We appreciate hearing your views and welcome your suggestions.
Due to the large volume of e-mail received, the White House cannot respond to every message.
Thank you again for taking the time to write.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Never heard this, even if it is an oldie
AN OLDIE STILL CRACKS ME UP
A married couple was on holiday in
They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So the couple walked in.
"I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in,"the Jamaican said to them. "Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,being the "sex god" that he was.
"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" the husband asked the shopkeeper.
Just try dem on, Mon," the Jamaican replied.
After some badgering from his wife, the man finally gave in, and tried the sandals on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes ... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, quickly bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
At which point the Jamaican began screaming,
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET, MON!
YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Bet you didn't know this:
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
A Test for the Old Kids
This is a test for us, old kids! The answers are printed below, but
don't you cheat.
01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the
sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man?
Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this
behind. What did he leave behind?________________.
02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all
watched them on The ___________ ____ Show.
03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."
04 "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been
changed___________________."
05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."
06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced"
under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance
called the "_____________."
07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best.......
_______________."
08. Satchmo was America 's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents
shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was
_________________.
09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.
10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and
Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and
"_______ _ ________".
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
their______________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in
the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by?
____________ & _______________.
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the
music died."This was a tribute to ___________________.
14. We can remember the first s atellite placed into orbit. The
Russians did it. It was called ___________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large
plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the
________________.
ANSWERS:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader,and "Good Night,and may God Bless."
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop
Thank goodness for Dr. Phil ...(not!)
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished
off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos,
and a box of chocolates.
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos,
and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this
on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace
It's been one of those days!!
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Airplane Discussions are...er, great!
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the Airplane when the stranger turned to the little girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"Ok," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I really have no idea."
To this, the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit??"
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"Ok," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I really have no idea."
To this, the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit??"
Sunday, June 17, 2007
After the Tornado in Greensburg, Kansas
The story begins with the rescuers finding this poor little dog they named Ralphie. Someone had already found Ralphie, but were unable to adopt him.
Ralphie, scared and starved, joined his rescuers...
I wouldn't think anything could live through this
but I was wrong...
This little lady also survived the wreckage...
Here, she is placed in the care; scared, but safe!
and then, they are no longer alone!
Instant friends, they comfort each other
while in the car...
Add two more Beagles after that...
the more the merrier?
Oh, boy, a NEW traveler to add to the mix..a
cat coming in looking for shelter...
How is this going to work???? Remember, all
these animals have never met before.
It's going to work just fine, thank you very much!
The things we learn from our animals friends.
If only mankind could use these valuable lessons about helping, tolerance for differences, peace and respect.These animals are saying "It's good to be alive and with others."
Yes, it surely is.
Live, love, laugh...
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