God Bless Us, Everyone!
Monday, December 24, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Smart Ass Answers for 2007
SMART A$$ ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?"
the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?"
John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART A$$ ANSWER
#4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART A$$ ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART A$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-a$$ guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter
se xual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence i s restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand.
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?"
the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?"
John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART A$$ ANSWER
#4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART A$$ ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.
SMART A$$ ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART A$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-a$$ guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter
se xual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence i s restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Attributed to Jay Leno...maybe, but if not, still interesting
"The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll
data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source,
right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the
direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy
with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry
just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so
unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week?
Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and
heating in the winter?
Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see
more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic
Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through
each state?
Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the
way that can provide temporary shelter?
I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the
world is just not good enough.
Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and
provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the
hospital.
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may
be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of
trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to
extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.
Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or
prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest
will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping
and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers
own cell phones and computers.
How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy
that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has
ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for
its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the
world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we
hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no
plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval
rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days
after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of
recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the
book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from
terrorist attacks?
The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending
you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show?
Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a
look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?
Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused
you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to
kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have
volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom.
There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.
They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general''
discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a
''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.
So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of
Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it
leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash
with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the
corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations.
They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by
"justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a
murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't kill his
wife, but if he did he would have done it this way"...Insane!
Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the
TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird
cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is
exponentially more good than bad.
We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several
times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and
with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a
good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Jay Leno
2007
data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source,
right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the
direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy
with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry
just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so
unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week?
Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and
heating in the winter?
Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see
more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic
Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through
each state?
Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the
way that can provide temporary shelter?
I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the
world is just not good enough.
Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and
provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the
hospital.
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may
be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of
trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to
extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.
Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or
prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest
will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping
and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers
own cell phones and computers.
How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy
that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has
ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for
its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the
world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we
hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no
plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval
rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days
after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of
recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the
book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from
terrorist attacks?
The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending
you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show?
Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a
look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?
Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused
you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to
kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have
volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom.
There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.
They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general''
discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a
''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.
So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of
Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it
leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash
with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the
corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations.
They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by
"justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a
murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't kill his
wife, but if he did he would have done it this way"...Insane!
Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the
TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird
cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is
exponentially more good than bad.
We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several
times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,
severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and
with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a
good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Jay Leno
2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
What Color Are You? I am...
| What color is your soul painted? Brown Your soul is painted the color brown, which embodies the characteristics of calmness, depth, nature, stability, tradition, poverty, roughness, down-to-earth, uncertainty, and neutrality. Brown is the color of the element Earth, and represents soil and, to a lesser degree, fertility of the Earth. |
 Quizzes and Personality Tests |
Thursday, November 8, 2007
How the Fight Started
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . and that's when the fight started .
Yep, in my Mailbox, for sure!
Dear All
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past
year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about cockroach
eggs in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason.
I no longer have a lot of savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program ......
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7
million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer
who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gas without taking a man along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my ass.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I
found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a
sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at
5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend
of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual
activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past
year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about cockroach
eggs in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason.
I no longer have a lot of savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program ......
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7
million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer
who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gas without taking a man along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my ass.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I
found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a
sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at
5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend
of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual
activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
My Dogs Live Here
MY DOGS LIVE HERE
My dogs live here, they're here to stay.
If you don't like pets, be on your way.
They share my home, my food, my space
This is their home, this is their place.
You will find dog hair on the floor,
they will alert you're at the door.
They may request a little pat,
a simple "no" will settle that.
It gripes me when I hear you say
"just how is it you live this way?
they smell, they shed, they're in the way.."
WHO ASKED YOU? is all I can say...
They love me more than anyone,
my voice is like the rising sun,
they merely have to hear me say
"C'mon girls, time to go and play"!
Then tails wag and faces grin,
they bounce and hop and make a din.
They never say "no time for you",
they're always there, to GO and DO.
And if I'm sad? They're by my side
and if I'm mad? they circle wide
and if I laugh, they laugh with me
they understand, they always see.
So once again, I say to you
come visit me, but know this too..
My dogs live here, they're here to stay.
you don't like pets, be on your way.
they share my home, my food, my space
this is their home, this is their place..
------------ Author Unknown
Saturday, November 3, 2007
The Hunter
The HUNTER & The Cook
A man kills a 'deer' and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
but will give them a clue and let them guess.
Mmmmmmmmmmm Good !!
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so begged their dad for the clue.
Well' the father said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes.'
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
'The little girl screams, 'Don't eat it....
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