There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having
guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Let's hear it for the Woman
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman , she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or just for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
Hmmm, I didn't know he cared
On behalf of President Bush, thank you for your correspondence.
We appreciate hearing your views and welcome your suggestions.
Due to the large volume of e-mail received, the White House cannot respond to every message.
Thank you again for taking the time to write.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Never heard this, even if it is an oldie
AN OLDIE STILL CRACKS ME UP
A married couple was on holiday in
They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So the couple walked in.
"I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in,"the Jamaican said to them. "Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,being the "sex god" that he was.
"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" the husband asked the shopkeeper.
Just try dem on, Mon," the Jamaican replied.
After some badgering from his wife, the man finally gave in, and tried the sandals on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes ... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, quickly bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
At which point the Jamaican began screaming,
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET, MON!
YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Bet you didn't know this:
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
A Test for the Old Kids
This is a test for us, old kids! The answers are printed below, but
don't you cheat.
01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the
sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man?
Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this
behind. What did he leave behind?________________.
02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all
watched them on The ___________ ____ Show.
03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."
04 "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been
changed___________________."
05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."
06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced"
under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance
called the "_____________."
07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best.......
_______________."
08. Satchmo was America 's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents
shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was
_________________.
09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.
10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and
Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and
"_______ _ ________".
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
their______________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in
the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by?
____________ & _______________.
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the
music died."This was a tribute to ___________________.
14. We can remember the first s atellite placed into orbit. The
Russians did it. It was called ___________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large
plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the
________________.
ANSWERS:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader,and "Good Night,and may God Bless."
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop
Thank goodness for Dr. Phil ...(not!)
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished
off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos,
and a box of chocolates.
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos,
and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this
on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace
It's been one of those days!!
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
Airplane Discussions are...er, great!
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the Airplane when the stranger turned to the little girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"Ok," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I really have no idea."
To this, the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit??"
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"Ok," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I really have no idea."
To this, the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit??"
Sunday, June 17, 2007
After the Tornado in Greensburg, Kansas
The story begins with the rescuers finding this poor little dog they named Ralphie. Someone had already found Ralphie, but were unable to adopt him.
Ralphie, scared and starved, joined his rescuers...
I wouldn't think anything could live through this
but I was wrong...
This little lady also survived the wreckage...
Here, she is placed in the care; scared, but safe!
and then, they are no longer alone!
Instant friends, they comfort each other
while in the car...
Add two more Beagles after that...
the more the merrier?
Oh, boy, a NEW traveler to add to the mix..a
cat coming in looking for shelter...
How is this going to work???? Remember, all
these animals have never met before.
It's going to work just fine, thank you very much!
The things we learn from our animals friends.
If only mankind could use these valuable lessons about helping, tolerance for differences, peace and respect.These animals are saying "It's good to be alive and with others."
Yes, it surely is.
Live, love, laugh...
This must mean I'm great!
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and
said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house , nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you
are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV..
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems.
said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house , nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you
are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV..
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems.
Can't wait to retire, myself!
One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale."
On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale."
Friday, June 15, 2007
Clever, clever words...
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again
asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this
year's winners. Read them
carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one
letter altered from a
real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got
extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good
for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito,
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this
year's winners. Read them
carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one
letter altered from a
real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got
extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good
for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito,
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Buttocks skin donation
Buttocks Surgery
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife
offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on
her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from
her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no
one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the
doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's
new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One
day, he was alone with his wifeand he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you
did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied,"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your
mother kiss you on the cheek!!
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife
offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on
her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from
her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no
one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the
doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's
new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One
day, he was alone with his wifeand he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you
did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied,"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your
mother kiss you on the cheek!!
I'm not a Blonde, really...
A beautiful young (BLONDE) New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and h id her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and h id her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
What a Salesman!
*The Super Store manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"**
*
*"Yeah, I was a salesman back in Minnesota," the kid answers.
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him a job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."***
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down "How many customers bought
something from you today?"
The kid says, "One."
"Just one? Our sales people average twenty to thirty customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss responds, "$101,237.65?!" "What the heck did you sell?
*"
The kid answers, "First I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him new
fishing rod. I asked him where he was going fishin' and he said 'down
the coast,' so I told him he was going to need a new boat. So we went
down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull so I took him
down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy comes in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him
a BOAT and a TRUCK?!"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and
I said Dude, your weekend's shot .. you should go fishing!"*
*
*"Yeah, I was a salesman back in Minnesota," the kid answers.
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him a job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."***
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down "How many customers bought
something from you today?"
The kid says, "One."
"Just one? Our sales people average twenty to thirty customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss responds, "$101,237.65?!" "What the heck did you sell?
*"
The kid answers, "First I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him new
fishing rod. I asked him where he was going fishin' and he said 'down
the coast,' so I told him he was going to need a new boat. So we went
down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull so I took him
down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy comes in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him
a BOAT and a TRUCK?!"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and
I said Dude, your weekend's shot .. you should go fishing!"*
Monday, June 11, 2007
AB 1634
This does not represent an endorsement but I am passing along the following for your information.
A group of fanciers has come up with the idea of sending dog biscuits to California legislators with the message "Vote NO on AB 1634". They hope that the legislators will be inundated with dog biscuits and will then understand how many lives will be affected by this bill. You can learn more about this campaign at http://www.k9snaturally.com/stopab1634.htm
Can we say kangaroo court?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law.
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Father
A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs
limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused."
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
The Little Girl's First Paycheck
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we
CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or
less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her
sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little
jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother
who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they
take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start
a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building
the house next door to us.
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the damn sheet rock..."
Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we
CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or
less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her
sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little
jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother
who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they
take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start
a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building
the house next door to us.
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the damn sheet rock..."
Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.
One of my 15 things on 43things.com
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Wish I'd heard about this in time...
This cat saw the whole thing!SCAM WARNING!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... But this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Thees wuz in mah mailbx 2da
I think she's crying with joy because she wore panties today!
Maybe they could have worded this a little differently?
Maybe they could have worded this a little differently?
I love how nobody sees the bear.
Maybe he'll be a President when he grows up?
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