Holy Shit, again!

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it’s open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they reproduce!!

Explaination of the Bailout

Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort. The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50. However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf. While the man was away, the assistant told the villagers "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works...AND THE BAILOUT!

Bears!!

Bear Removers

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. 'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks? 'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.' He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. 'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner. 'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

Think Before You Speak

Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

In Heaven

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad.. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you ?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS!

---

Psssst...Have you heard the news? There's a new fashion blog, plus the latest fall trends and hair styles at StyleList.com.

Happy Mother's Day

Go ahead, get mom something nice!

His Second Sermon

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.


After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.


The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'


So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.


He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon his re tu rn to his office after the mass, he found the follo win g note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'..
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Good Idea!

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says ...

'Oh, no ... she's awake!!'

What's the Song Title of this Photo??

Think!








You're gonna feel dumb!....













MOONRIVER!!!

Kids are kids!

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!


1. Don't change horses

until they stop running.

2. Strike while the

bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of

termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but

How?

6. Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

7. No news is

impossible

8. A miss is as good as a

Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new

Math

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust

Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the

pigs.

13. An idle mind is

the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's

pollution.

15. Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is

not much.

17. Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you


See in the picture on the box

24. When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than

Pregnant

Middle Aged Woman

It Starts Tomorrow...Boycott Canadian Goods

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Who Wants to be a MIllionaire???

My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
While we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have sex?'


'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.


Then I said,
'I'd like to phone a friend.'



That's the last thing I remember.

Smart Kid!

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher ex- plained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.'

Ten Commandments for Pet Owners

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely
to be painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment.
You have your work, your friends, your entertainments. But I have only you.

5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand
your voice when speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.

7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I have teeth
that could easily crush the bones in your hand, and yet I choose not to
bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if
something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food,
I have been in the sun too long or my heart might be getting old or weak.

9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too will grow old.

10. On the difficult journey, on the ultimate difficult journey, go with
me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this
alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there. Because I love you so.


Pictured above is my beloved Basset Hound, Apache. I helped send to her The Bridge on Dec. 31st of last year. It was heartbreaking and one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I can only talk about it now. The night before, I had a dream about going to the vet with her. I dreamed she was in the back seat of my car on the way and I sang to her. When I lifted her out of the car at the vets, she walked very slowing across the side walk, and squatted to relieve herself. I continued dreaming that I took her inside and after it was over with I walked out and saw the yellow stain in the snow. I was awful. What actually happened was EXACTLY as I dreamed it, except that when I came out, the snow had melted and there was no yellow stain there to serve as a last memory of the experience. I felt my heart lift at that. I still miss her so much.

The best Lightbulb question!

Q:
How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this
house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

What was the question?

Damn!

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you . What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have
to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of
some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

More Quotes

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates I was married by a judge; I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield Money can't buy you happiness But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller

__,_._,___

Easter Facts?

Because Easter is always the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after
the Spring Equinox.
This year the Spring Equinox is at 05:48 on Thursday, March 20 and there
is a full moon on Friday March 21st.
Therefore, this year Easter is on March 23. The next time Easter will be
this early will be in the year of our Lord 2160 (152 years from now).
The last time Easter was this early was in 1913 (95 year ago).

So, this year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see!

Note: Easter can occur one day earlier than this year. In the years 1818
and 2285 Easter was/is on March 22.

Fisherman

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and
the wind was blowing 30 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled
up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that crap?"

I still don't know if she was joking...

Visit Dog Age

DogAge^® Tip of the Week

Change Can Be Bad

February 28, 2008

A drastic change in behavior may indicate pain or injury in your pet.

Growling, biting, wincing, or avoidance of physical contact may be a sign of an acute injury. Reserved or withdrawn behaviors may indicate chronic pain. If your dog suddenly exhibits a need for constant attention or seclusion, or if he or she is excessively irritable, submissive, listless, or restless, contact your vet for a proper diagnosis and treatment.

For the slaves of Dogs and Cats...you know who you are!

PET RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not stake a claim for it, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10.Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11.If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Stray Cats

1. Stray cats will not be fed.


2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.


3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
with a little milk.


4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.


5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent
residence.


6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled
unnecessarily.


7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will
absolutely not be given a name.


8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the
house at any time.


9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain
times.


10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days
ending in "y."


11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or
sharpen their claws on the furniture.


12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on
the really good furniture.

Golf on Christmas Morning

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one
Remarked how Nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and
Without An argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a
Round. His Buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority.
Figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.'

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on
The golf Course. The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my
Wife such a Diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'
The second guy says, 'I spent a ton, too. My wife s at home planning
The cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'
The third guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
Reading the Manual.'

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
Like they Have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I Slapped my wife On the butt and said, 'Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning For either Sex or golf.' . . . And she said . 'Take a sweater.'"

Rose and Barb play ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb.. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Okaayyyy...