Saturday, July 28, 2007

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Dr. Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty for days.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.



The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.



But, every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're both single. Just let it go...".



And at times he would.


But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering:


Dave...








Dave...












You're a Veterinarian. ...........

Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

On another Septic Tank Truck:
'We're #1 in the #2 business'
**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'
**************************

On a C hurch's Billboard:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
'Hello. Can we pick your nose?'
**************************

At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office :
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you' ve come to the right place.'
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************

On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************

At the Electric Company :
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.'
**************************

In a Restaurant window :
'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************

At a Propane Filling Station ,
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak

Friday, July 6, 2007

Choices

What would you do?..you make the choice. Don't look for a punch
line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have
made the same choice?

At a fund raising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled
children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that
would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the
school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not
interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is one
with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other
children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay,
physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an
opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it
comes in the way that other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay
knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me
play?"

Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone
like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son
were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of
belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of
his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked
(not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for
guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth
inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to
bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile,
put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye
and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being
accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a
few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning,
Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no
hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and
on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from
the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored
again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential
winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance
to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat Everyone knew
that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to
hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing
that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in
Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay
could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards
Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground
ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft
grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay
would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's
head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and
both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first
base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his
breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make
it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the
right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had
his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown
the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the
pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high
and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base
deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward
home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help
him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run
to third! Shay, run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the
spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran
to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the
grand slam and won the game for his team.

"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his
face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love
and humanity into this world".

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having
never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and
coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero
of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of
jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it
comes

to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude,
vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public
discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and
workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that
you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't
the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message.. Well, the
person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.

We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help
realize the "natural order of things." So many seemingly trivial
interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass
along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those
opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?


A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's
least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:
1. Delete
2. Forward

May your day, be a Shay Day.

This Kind of Stuff Must Stop in our Country

We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become! This extension work was apparently done at night !! Very sneaky stuff..

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection ........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck ! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking into my house and messing around with my computer. Probably CIA....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?

Monday, July 2, 2007

Where do Pets Come From?




A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." !

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom an d I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." (GOD SPELLED BACKWORD)


And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.



And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.


And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.




And the Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.