Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Who Wants to be a MIllionaire???

My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
While we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have sex?'


'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.


Then I said,
'I'd like to phone a friend.'



That's the last thing I remember.

Smart Kid!

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher ex- plained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.'

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Ten Commandments for Pet Owners


1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely
to be painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment.
You have your work, your friends, your entertainments. But I have only you.

5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand
your voice when speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.

7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I have teeth
that could easily crush the bones in your hand, and yet I choose not to
bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if
something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food,
I have been in the sun too long or my heart might be getting old or weak.

9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too will grow old.

10. On the difficult journey, on the ultimate difficult journey, go with
me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this
alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there. Because I love you so.


Pictured above is my beloved Basset Hound, Apache. I helped send to her The Bridge on Dec. 31st of last year. It was heartbreaking and one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I can only talk about it now. The night before, I had a dream about going to the vet with her. I dreamed she was in the back seat of my car on the way and I sang to her. When I lifted her out of the car at the vets, she walked very slowing across the side walk, and squatted to relieve herself. I continued dreaming that I took her inside and after it was over with I walked out and saw the yellow stain in the snow. I was awful. What actually happened was EXACTLY as I dreamed it, except that when I came out, the snow had melted and there was no yellow stain there to serve as a last memory of the experience. I felt my heart lift at that. I still miss her so much.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

The best Lightbulb question!



Q:
How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this
house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

What was the question?

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Damn!

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you . What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have
to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of
some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

More Quotes


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge; I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller




__,_._,___

Easter Facts?

Because Easter is always the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after
the Spring Equinox.
This year the Spring Equinox is at 05:48 on Thursday, March 20 and there
is a full moon on Friday March 21st.
Therefore, this year Easter is on March 23. The next time Easter will be
this early will be in the year of our Lord 2160 (152 years from now).
The last time Easter was this early was in 1913 (95 year ago).

So, this year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see!

Note: Easter can occur one day earlier than this year. In the years 1818
and 2285 Easter was/is on March 22.

Fisherman

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and
the wind was blowing 30 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled
up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that crap?"

I still don't know if she was joking...